So, what happened?

As many of you already know, I recently found out that we were to have a baby.  We have so desperately prayed for a child of our own and for me to get a positive pregnancy test within the first minute of taking it put a huge smile on my face.  I was so excited and shocked at the same time.  I couldn't believe it was really going to happen this time.  Andrew worked late that day so I told him when he got home at around 12 midnight.   He didn't really believe me at first but was so excited when he came out of his state of shock.  We decided that we would tell a few close friends that have traveled down this road with us and have prayed for us.  I even told the moms I work for because I knew that my doctor would want to see me at least once a week for the first twelve weeks or so.

My first two appointments were blood work to check hormone levels.  The first day they were over 3,000 and then two days later they had jumped to over 6,000, which was what my dr wanted to see.  After the blood work looked great, they scheduled us for our first ultrasound for about a week and half later.   The next weekend we went to Tupelo for Laura's baby shower I was helping to host.  It was so hard for me to keep my mouth shut, but I did not want to take away from Laura.

Andrew and I went together, and we got to see our baby for the first time at the first ultrasound.  It was an amazing experience.  The baby had a great heart beat and was beautiful.  We both were crying with excitement and joy.  Then, they scheduled us for ultrasound number two.  Andrew had to work so we decided I would go and FaceTime him during the ultrasound.  Everything looked great.  The baby was getting bigger and the heart beat was still strong.  We couldn't hear the heart beat due to the baby being so small.  I cried again with joy and couldn't believe that it was really going to happen this time.

Since every looked great, and we were told once I made it to my 8 week visit that I would have a 90% of carrying, we decided to tell our families.  We told my parents with an invitation to the birth and Andrew's parents with an Alabama jersey.  Everyone was so excited and we showed them all of the ultrasound photos until then.  I was feeling pretty good other than being tired and certain scents didn't settle well with me.  I didn't really have any morning sickness which made me happy.

On October 9th, I was scheduled for our third ultrasound and went alone due to Andrew having work in Mobile for the weekend at a church for a Ladies Conference.  We were both comfortable with just me going to the visit and talking during the ultrasound like we did for the last one.  I was really feeling confident with this pregnancy because that morning brushing my teeth made me sick and getting sick while pregnant is a sign of a healthy baby.  Once I got there,  the lady that usually did my ultrasound wasn't there which made me a little nervous.  I don't do well with little changes like that.  I like consistency when I know a situation can go from good to bad in a few minutes.  I get in the ultrasound room and call Andrew and we get started.  I was beginning to get a little nervous because the ultrasound tech wasn't saying anything.  I was making comments on how much bigger the baby was looking and still somewhat in a state of shock that I was really pregnant.  Then I feel the tech pat my leg and hear the dreaded words, "I can't find a heartbeat.  I'm so sorry."  I instantly started crying and forgot about Andrew being on the phone.  He said, "I didn't hear what she said." All I could muster up was there's no heartbeat.  The connection wasn't good and I lost the call.  I'm so beside myself that I barely notice the call has ended.  The tech at this point was holding my hand and letting me cry on her shoulder.  She leaves once I got a little bit of composer and called the dr on call for my dr was out of town.

They take me to a room and get me some water so I can wait to speak to the dr because I was not leaving without talking to a dr.  Once in that room, I began texting every person I could think of to let them know.  Andrew called me back, and we were talking about whether or not I should drive to Mobile or if he should drive home.  I felt like I need to go to the conference and still drive down by myself.  I had texted both our moms to let them know what was going on and Cathy called me within two minutes of that text.  She had left work, headed home to pack, and I was to come get her so she could ride down with me.  I didn't know what to say but was so grateful I wasn't going to make the 5 hour trip by myself.  I waited in that room for over an hour waiting to see the dr.   Once she finally came in and I had stopped crying for the most part, she talked to me about the options that I could do and wanted blood work to check my levels, but they wanted to do another ultrasound the next Friday to make sure nothing had changed.  I also wanted my husband to be there so we could make the decision together.  It was our baby and he has a voice too.  My mom called me while on my way to Tupelo and talked to me the whole trip there.  It was nice to not have to think about what had just happened.  When I walked into the small room to have my blood drawn, I hand the paper to Ms. Trudy and she looked at me and began to cry which made me start crying again.  She drew my blood and talked to me a few minutes afterwards.   She just hugged me and told me she was praying for me and that she was also in pain due to losing her very best friend.  I love the ladies at Fertility Associates of Memphis. 

Once we get to Mobile, I'm not much in the mood of talking to anyone about what's going on and wanted to see my husband for the first time in two days.  The conference topic for that night was on Faith and keeping the faith during the dark moments in life even when you can't see God working at all.  I was still in somewhat of a state of shock that I listened but not with my whole heart.  The last session of the conference got me the most.  Wendy Treat asked for all the ladies who are/were struggling with pregnancy loss or with infertility to come down to the front for she wanted to pray over all of us.  By this point, I have cried all my makeup off again and was feeling that was something I needed to do.  I needed a miracle and was praying hard for one.  I have no idea what she and the three ladies around me prayed due to all the crying I was doing, but it was an amazing experience.  God's presence was in that room and everyone could feel it.  I talked to the lady sitting next to me and told her my situation and she started crying with me.  I have never felt so close to a stranger in my life.  She asked for my number so she could follow up with me later.  (She called me a week ago to check on me).  What an amazing Ladies Conference at City Hope Church in Mobile.

We go back to the dr next next Friday, which happened to be my birthday.  We had prayed and had numerous other people praying with us for a miracle, but I had a gut feeling that there was not going to be a change.  The ultrasound tech that I love was back and I told her how much I missed her and apologized for not being there the week before.  As she's scanning me, she began to explain what she's looking for, which was why I really liked her.  She then told us that she was seeing bleeding around the baby's head and bottom which was not there two weeks ago.  She also noticed that the sac that the baby was in was started to detach.  Andrew and I began to cry again but we know everything is in God's hands.  She asked if I wanted another picture, so I could have one last sweet picture of our baby, which was what I wanted.  We meet her in the hallway and she handed me the photos.  We both start crying and she hugged me and made me feel so special.  Andrew and I had already discussed  that we wanted to do another D&C because they could test the tissue to help figure out why this keeps happening.

Over the week, we had so many people send food, cards, and flowers.  It was so nice to see that so many people were thinking and praying for us.  I don't wish this experience on anyone and hopefully one day I will know the reason as to why this happened to us three times.  I do know that our sweet babies have several family members in Heaven that are caring for them the way they cared for us while still on Earth.  We did get a few answers the day of the D&C.  I mentioned in a previous post that I had scar tissue develop after the first D&C, which was removed during the last procedure.  We found out for sure that the last baby had attached to the scar tissue and lost blood flow and nutrients and our dr. is pretty sure that's what happened to baby number two.  I still have my good days and bad days.  Knowing somewhat of the cause helps but it doesn't make this experience any easier.  I had a sweet friend who got in touch with Andrew and got the months of our babies' birthdays.  She made me the sweetest bracelet with each one of their birthstones.  It is such a cherished gift.  

To get everyone caught up...

 I experienced the death of a very close loved one, my grandfather.  Papaw Hill was a wonderful grandfather and was there for us anytime we needed him.  His death was some what of a shock but wasn't unexpected.  His doctors have been telling us for over a year that they were not sure how much longer he would make it.  However, he made it to his 80th birthday and experienced another year of life with us here on earth.  He was very open about his salvation and would tell you he wanted you to be in Heaven with him.  I loved him dearly and can't wait to see him again.
Some of my favorite memories of him were taking my sisters and I to Johnie's Drive In for dough burgers and milkshakes.  This was our Friday night date night until I started high school.  He even took us on trips to see my aunt in Birmingham and we experienced him getting a couple of speeding tickets as well.   When we were younger, he loved to get out his train set for us to play with.   He was the type of man who always had to have his shirt pressed and his hair had to be just right.  (Now I know were Carlie gets it from.)   I even asked Andrew his favorite memory, which is us all sitting around his table at either Thanksgiving or Christmas playing Uno.  Papaw couldn't say Uno right, which it came out something like Youknow.
This whole week had me in an emotional state and ready to get home to my mom.  This has also got me thinking about Andrew and myself and where we are in the whole baby situation.  We haven't been back since December and are still waiting for his new insurance to take affect.  I have cried a lot because I know I didn't give him an earthy great grandchild to love, but to know that my two babies are getting to know him like I have makes it a lot easier.  I still want to be a mother and Andrew still wants to be a dad.  We are looking at different options for us and are beginning to consider adoption.  I know this is a long journey to endure but so has been the journey for us to have one of our own.  I love loving on my babies that I keep and honestly do love each of them like my own.  Their sweet smiles, kisses, and hugs have helped me so much over the last year.  We are looking into some adoption agencies but that's about as far as we have gone.  Andrew's working a lot, and we are enjoying the time just us. 

So where are we now?

Andrew and I had a great Christmas and New Years.  It was Andrew's first New Year's that he has been off since we were married almost seven years ago.  2014 had a lot of heart aches for us and 2015 hasn't really started off that great either.   On December 30,  I had a test ran.  I left the appointment thinking everything was great and I didn't have anything to worry about.  Well three days later,  I received a phone call from my dr's nurse.  He looked at the results and discovered that I have scar tissue that has formed from the D&C I had last May which was more than likely the reason that I miscarried the last baby.  This was definitely something that I didn't want to hear.  I'm sick of having surgeries, having blood drawn every time I walk into a dr's office, and being looked at by everyone in the clinic at some point.  This struggle for me has been the most depressing thing ever.  It hasn't become any easier to see teen moms.  We let our satellite TV go which made me happy.  I will not put myself through the torturer of watching those stupid reality shows that I have in the past.  It's not worth me crying over.

For Andrew, he feels as though we can't get ahead in anything at the moment.  After two job loses in two months,  he has had a tremendous amount of stress on him. Adding the medical bills that are beginning to pile up due to Fertility appointments aren't helping either of us.

We have tons of questions at are going unanswered and trying to do the right thing.  I know God has a plan.  I will have to admit that I can see now why we didn't have the first baby.  We have enough stress as it is without having to add a newborn.  We walked into church last Sunday with our heads hanging low because of the hand we have been dealt over the last few moments.  We were greeted by the children's pastor's wife and was asked how the whole Fertility process was going.  I told her and began to tear up.  She immediately prayed over us and we both just cried the whole time.  It was an amazing experience to have someone that I barely know pray such a sweet prayer over my womb and the future family that we so desperately want to have.  She knows exactly what we are going through and has been praying for us since the moment we met.  Life's tough but having someone walk beside you and you know is praying for you makes the struggle just a little bit easier.