Fertility and where we are now.

Our fertility journey since moving to Mobile has been some what of a rocky journey.  I have had some of the worst experiences at our new clinic.  If you have been following me for a while, you know my experiences with the medical community and how I don't take my health lightly.  We went to our first visit back in April and were made fun of by the office staff because we were late.  We were late due to a flat tire and getting lost.  We didn't get a confirmation phone call that the appointment was still on so we didn't feel that it was necessary to call about being late.   The doctor turned out to be great and we really like him but his office staff not so much.  This has us questioning whether or not we should stay with his practice or move on to someone else. 
The journey keeps getting better (hints the sarcasm).  Our doctor told us to call on the first day of my next cycle so we could do an ultrasound and blood work.  I hadn't been in an ultrasound room since finding out that I was going to miscarry again.  I walked into that room and started crying all over again.  I couldn't believe all the emotions that I would feel again even enough it was not the same room or even the same clinic.  Everything looked great and now it was time to schedule the next test.  I called the next month on my first day (and to get blood work results from the last visit) to not have my phone call returned in a timely matter.  Fertility is solely based on time and time is of the essence.  I left for kid's camp so I wasn't worried about it and would get in the next time. 
I called again in July to schedule my next test only to be told that I had to do more blood work and another ultrasound.  I kept questioning as to why I had to do this again and no one could give me an answer.  We went to have those same test ran again.  It was 4th of July weekend, then the next week we were on vacation so I didn't really worry about not getting my results back.   However, another month passed and I was still waiting on my results.  I finally called left a message with their answering service and would give them 24 hours to return my call.  They didn't and I called back with a much hastier attitude for me to get two return phone calls within 15 minutes.  I finally got my results for them to tell me to call back in another month to schedule my next test.  Well, they were in luck because I was close to when I was needed for the next test.  The nurse panicked and I could tell that she was trying to figure out how to fit me in before Friday of that week.  This was a Tuesday, and she told me that she would call me back by the end of the day to give me my appointment for the next test.
Another 24 hours had passed and she didn't call me back.  I did however get a call from the Pre-Admissions department from the hospital to get information.  I had to ask her when my test was scheduled and she seemed perplexed as to why I was asking her these questions.  She asked if my dr's office had called me with this.  My dr's office hadn't called me with that information and she was the one who told me of my test, time I needed to be there, and time of my test.  I then asked her which area of the hospital we were to go to.  So I finally felt like that this would finally get going the way I wanted it to go.
Friday rolled around and I was sitting in our living room eating breakfast when I get a call from the dr's office.  They are calling me to tell me that I need to come in at 11:45am for blood work before my test that afternoon.  Luckily, I finished my old job the day before and took this whole day off.  So, we run our quick errands that we needed to do, and then drive across the bay. 
We decided not to come back to the apartment in between the blood work and the test.  Good thing we didn't.  I asked the girl at the front desk if there was anything else that I needed to do before my test that afternoon.  She told me no; so we go down stairs to sit in the lobby waiting on 1:30.  We sat down for maybe 10 minutes and I got a call from the dr's office telling me that I had prescriptions that I needed to get filled.  I asked if I needed them before my test and again I was told no.  Not worried about it, Andrew and I sat in the lobby for another 45 minutes or so then decided to go back upstairs to get those prescriptions.  I didn't even finish my sentence before the girl (same receptionist) was pretty much throwing the envelope at me.  We walked out, and I just had this gut feeling that I needed to take these before my test even though I was told that I didn't.  I pulled them out and sure enough the prescription read please take 1 hour prior to your procedure.  I was furious.  It was going on 1:20 and I didn't even have the prescriptions filled yet and my test was at 2.  Andrew had had it by this point and walked back into the clinic to ask how we were to handle this.  She said that that's how they do things and there's a Walgreen's across the street. We fly over to Walgreen's were I apologized to the staff for being rude but I had just gotten a prescription that I needed to take, I needed to take it then, and was now late for my appointment.  The staff was so very helpful and told me to take a deep breath that they would get me out quick. 
Once we got those prescriptions filled, I scarfed down a protein bar so I wouldn't get sick, took the prescriptions, and we head back across the street to the hospital.  Remember I asked the lady on Wednesday where we needed to go.  Yea, well, I went to that location only to be told that we were not scheduled for an appointment.  I told that lady if she didn't get me some answers then I needed to speak to her boss because I had been lied to twice already today and was not in the mood to be pushed around anymore.  I was told the wrong location of the hospital and was now running even more late to my appointment.  I was in tears by this point and ready to give the next person who lied to me a piece of my mind. 
We finally get to the right location only to wait another 20 minutes on getting back to the exam room.  They better be grateful that one of the prescriptions was a Valium and that it had started to take effect.  We finally get in the exam room only to be told that my dr would not be doing my test; the other dr in the clinic would be doing the test.  I had never laid eyes on him much less knew who he was.  By this point, my nerves were shot and I was ready to get that day over with.  The girl then asked if I was pregnant and Andrew said you obviously didn't get the results back from the blood work that was done this morning from my clinic.  Of course she hadn't; why make things easier on all parties involved. 
We wait for nearly an hour for the dr to come down and do the test.  He comes in like no big deal does the test in like 15 minutes, and we're done.  He told us that everything looked great and then left the room.
After all this was done, I don't even know if I want to go back to this clinic much less that hospital.  I have never been so mistreated by a clinic.  I am a special case due to all my medical history and at this point ready to either drive back and forth to Memphis or to go to UAB for treatment.  No one should be treated the way Andrew and I have been; especially by a Fertility Clinic when it's such an emotional roller coaster already.  We have another appointment scheduled for the 23rd and I'm ready to tell him everything and that he's more than likely going to lose us as patients.  This makes me really miss Dr. Kutteh and his office staff. 

How much I have changed since moving to Daphne.

This move has been somewhat difficult for me for many reasons, but over and over again, I have been reminded how much this move has been amazing for Andrew and I.  I have left a job that I loved and moved away from some of my closest and best friends.   I have had some doubts about whether or not this is where we are suppose to be and if I'm here for the right reasons.  I went to a baby shower a couple of weeks go and once I got home I cried due to the fact I miss our Anna and our other babies so much.  I will say it again the fertility journey isn't for the faint of heart.  However, due to these hardships, I have met some of the most amazing women who are becoming some of my best friends.  Andrew and I have been talking about how much we love City Hope because of how real everyone is with whatever is going on in their lives.  I love how open and honest I can be about how much I struggle with not being a mom and know that there is no judgement, and they cry right along with me.

Our message this week has been on Friending and how to be a better friend.  These ladies that I have talked about in the previous paragraph have helped make the move for me so much easier.  With their openness to take me in and make me feel so much at home has been such a blessing to me.  I can't say thank you enough.   To have several ladies now that I barely know to just stop what they are doing to pray over Andrew, myself, and my womb is something I have not really experienced before at church.  Yes I have had people pray over me before surgeries and during small groups but not in a church setting in the middle of the Commons or foyer. I had a lady pray over me on Sunday night and it is very much a blessing.  I feel like I'm learning something new about myself every few days or so.  I'm not the same girl who walked into our first church after Andrew and I got married.  I am not the same person I was two years ago once our fertility journey started.  I'm learning about myself that I need to be a better friend, reach out more, and to be more honest with what's going on in my personal life.

I would honesty have to say that this move has made me go grow up so much more than the move to Tunica/Hernando when we got married.  I also at times haven't been very nice about having to move.  Timehop can be and has been an enemy when a person is trying to put something behind them; such as buying our first home and reliving a happy/sad memory of when I found out we were pregnant for the first time.  Andrew and I are fully on our own and have had to learn more about ourselves.  I have to say that I am more in love with my husband now and to watch him love his job brings me so much joy.  I'm loving how we are able to be more social as a couple instead of just me or him doing something with our friends.  His attitude and over all happiness is something that has been missing from him, and I see him overall in much better place than what he has ever been in.  I'm seeing how much bolder he is in his faith, and it makes me want to be better with him.  There is so much more joy in our lives, and we have been missing that with each other and within ourselves.  I've been seeking God so much more and looking for His guidance, but I'm still not where I should be.

We have our first visit with the fertility clinic in Mobile on Friday.  I still have my moments of whether or not I am ready to fully go down this road.  I am interested in finding out what our chances are of having another miscarriage, which is always on my mind.  I know it's the enemy who is trying to steal my joy and what God wants out of my life.  I dream of caring our children across the beach and reading them bed time stories.  I know it's all in God's time, but I am very much human and my patience isn't always the best. 

Changing of Jobs, States, and Life in General

We have embarked on life thinking that everything would come easy to us.  That we wouldn't have to wait long for what we wanted.  Oh how wrong was I!  Since the end of 2015, I've began to think back over the year and what Andrew and I have experienced.   We've lost loved ones, made new friends, reconnected with old friends, decided to move 4 hours away from home, and lost another baby.  2015 was so different than what I imaged it to be like for us.

Our last baby we decided to have some tests ran to hopefully give us an answer/reason as to why the miscarriages keep happening.  We found out that the baby would have been born with Turner's syndrome and would have been a girl.  I still hurt and cry about all my little ones.  However, I know they have no worry or stress. Due to being so hurt and trying to find peace and healing for our last child, I had a friend point out to me that I haven't given God everything.  I have been crying in church a lot lately.  We had an incredible first Wednesday service where I finally gave all of my hurt and pain from the last miscarriage to God.  Andrew and I talked when we both got home and decided that it would be best to name this sweet child and give her a meaning here on Earth.  We decided to name her Anna, which means favor with God.  She truly has favor for already being in Heaven with her brother and sister (that's what I feel the first two were).  We love our Sweet Anna and can't wait to meet her.  

We have known for a while that we have wanted to move due to Andrew's ideal  job in the Memphis area was beginning to grow a little thin.  I never imaged that God would bring us to Mobile (Daphne actually) for Andrew to work for a church.  I'm so excited to see what God has in store for us and our lives as we join the City Hope family.  I've met so many amazing people.  I'm very excited about living closer to the beach, which we went to the beach yesterday and it was such a beautiful day.  We spent most of the day trying to figure which beach we wanted to go to and ended up at Gulf Shores.  The water was freezing but being able to sit in the gorgeous sunshine with the hubs was the best part. 

I've been very sad about leaving a great job in Hernando.  I've grown to love the boys that I keep as if they are my own.  Having one since he was three months old makes it even tougher.  John Abram will always hold a special place in my heart since he helped so much during all of the miscarriages but especially the first.  Tobias, my sweet loving, Tobias.  You are such an inspiration that you make living with a life threatening illness look easy.  Oliver, you gave me the scare of my lifetime.  I had never had to call 911 on any of my kids.  I'm so glad you're healthy now and the doctors found out what caused you to pass out.  Silas, my sweet Silas.  You are the most laid back person I have ever met.  I hope I can be as cool and calm about things as you are.  Their mothers are angels as well.   Working with me on all my doctors appointments and surgeries.  I hope that whenever my time comes to be a mom that I'm half the mom that each of you are.  

So, what happened?

As many of you already know, I recently found out that we were to have a baby.  We have so desperately prayed for a child of our own and for me to get a positive pregnancy test within the first minute of taking it put a huge smile on my face.  I was so excited and shocked at the same time.  I couldn't believe it was really going to happen this time.  Andrew worked late that day so I told him when he got home at around 12 midnight.   He didn't really believe me at first but was so excited when he came out of his state of shock.  We decided that we would tell a few close friends that have traveled down this road with us and have prayed for us.  I even told the moms I work for because I knew that my doctor would want to see me at least once a week for the first twelve weeks or so.

My first two appointments were blood work to check hormone levels.  The first day they were over 3,000 and then two days later they had jumped to over 6,000, which was what my dr wanted to see.  After the blood work looked great, they scheduled us for our first ultrasound for about a week and half later.   The next weekend we went to Tupelo for Laura's baby shower I was helping to host.  It was so hard for me to keep my mouth shut, but I did not want to take away from Laura.

Andrew and I went together, and we got to see our baby for the first time at the first ultrasound.  It was an amazing experience.  The baby had a great heart beat and was beautiful.  We both were crying with excitement and joy.  Then, they scheduled us for ultrasound number two.  Andrew had to work so we decided I would go and FaceTime him during the ultrasound.  Everything looked great.  The baby was getting bigger and the heart beat was still strong.  We couldn't hear the heart beat due to the baby being so small.  I cried again with joy and couldn't believe that it was really going to happen this time.

Since every looked great, and we were told once I made it to my 8 week visit that I would have a 90% of carrying, we decided to tell our families.  We told my parents with an invitation to the birth and Andrew's parents with an Alabama jersey.  Everyone was so excited and we showed them all of the ultrasound photos until then.  I was feeling pretty good other than being tired and certain scents didn't settle well with me.  I didn't really have any morning sickness which made me happy.

On October 9th, I was scheduled for our third ultrasound and went alone due to Andrew having work in Mobile for the weekend at a church for a Ladies Conference.  We were both comfortable with just me going to the visit and talking during the ultrasound like we did for the last one.  I was really feeling confident with this pregnancy because that morning brushing my teeth made me sick and getting sick while pregnant is a sign of a healthy baby.  Once I got there,  the lady that usually did my ultrasound wasn't there which made me a little nervous.  I don't do well with little changes like that.  I like consistency when I know a situation can go from good to bad in a few minutes.  I get in the ultrasound room and call Andrew and we get started.  I was beginning to get a little nervous because the ultrasound tech wasn't saying anything.  I was making comments on how much bigger the baby was looking and still somewhat in a state of shock that I was really pregnant.  Then I feel the tech pat my leg and hear the dreaded words, "I can't find a heartbeat.  I'm so sorry."  I instantly started crying and forgot about Andrew being on the phone.  He said, "I didn't hear what she said." All I could muster up was there's no heartbeat.  The connection wasn't good and I lost the call.  I'm so beside myself that I barely notice the call has ended.  The tech at this point was holding my hand and letting me cry on her shoulder.  She leaves once I got a little bit of composer and called the dr on call for my dr was out of town.

They take me to a room and get me some water so I can wait to speak to the dr because I was not leaving without talking to a dr.  Once in that room, I began texting every person I could think of to let them know.  Andrew called me back, and we were talking about whether or not I should drive to Mobile or if he should drive home.  I felt like I need to go to the conference and still drive down by myself.  I had texted both our moms to let them know what was going on and Cathy called me within two minutes of that text.  She had left work, headed home to pack, and I was to come get her so she could ride down with me.  I didn't know what to say but was so grateful I wasn't going to make the 5 hour trip by myself.  I waited in that room for over an hour waiting to see the dr.   Once she finally came in and I had stopped crying for the most part, she talked to me about the options that I could do and wanted blood work to check my levels, but they wanted to do another ultrasound the next Friday to make sure nothing had changed.  I also wanted my husband to be there so we could make the decision together.  It was our baby and he has a voice too.  My mom called me while on my way to Tupelo and talked to me the whole trip there.  It was nice to not have to think about what had just happened.  When I walked into the small room to have my blood drawn, I hand the paper to Ms. Trudy and she looked at me and began to cry which made me start crying again.  She drew my blood and talked to me a few minutes afterwards.   She just hugged me and told me she was praying for me and that she was also in pain due to losing her very best friend.  I love the ladies at Fertility Associates of Memphis. 

Once we get to Mobile, I'm not much in the mood of talking to anyone about what's going on and wanted to see my husband for the first time in two days.  The conference topic for that night was on Faith and keeping the faith during the dark moments in life even when you can't see God working at all.  I was still in somewhat of a state of shock that I listened but not with my whole heart.  The last session of the conference got me the most.  Wendy Treat asked for all the ladies who are/were struggling with pregnancy loss or with infertility to come down to the front for she wanted to pray over all of us.  By this point, I have cried all my makeup off again and was feeling that was something I needed to do.  I needed a miracle and was praying hard for one.  I have no idea what she and the three ladies around me prayed due to all the crying I was doing, but it was an amazing experience.  God's presence was in that room and everyone could feel it.  I talked to the lady sitting next to me and told her my situation and she started crying with me.  I have never felt so close to a stranger in my life.  She asked for my number so she could follow up with me later.  (She called me a week ago to check on me).  What an amazing Ladies Conference at City Hope Church in Mobile.

We go back to the dr next next Friday, which happened to be my birthday.  We had prayed and had numerous other people praying with us for a miracle, but I had a gut feeling that there was not going to be a change.  The ultrasound tech that I love was back and I told her how much I missed her and apologized for not being there the week before.  As she's scanning me, she began to explain what she's looking for, which was why I really liked her.  She then told us that she was seeing bleeding around the baby's head and bottom which was not there two weeks ago.  She also noticed that the sac that the baby was in was started to detach.  Andrew and I began to cry again but we know everything is in God's hands.  She asked if I wanted another picture, so I could have one last sweet picture of our baby, which was what I wanted.  We meet her in the hallway and she handed me the photos.  We both start crying and she hugged me and made me feel so special.  Andrew and I had already discussed  that we wanted to do another D&C because they could test the tissue to help figure out why this keeps happening.

Over the week, we had so many people send food, cards, and flowers.  It was so nice to see that so many people were thinking and praying for us.  I don't wish this experience on anyone and hopefully one day I will know the reason as to why this happened to us three times.  I do know that our sweet babies have several family members in Heaven that are caring for them the way they cared for us while still on Earth.  We did get a few answers the day of the D&C.  I mentioned in a previous post that I had scar tissue develop after the first D&C, which was removed during the last procedure.  We found out for sure that the last baby had attached to the scar tissue and lost blood flow and nutrients and our dr. is pretty sure that's what happened to baby number two.  I still have my good days and bad days.  Knowing somewhat of the cause helps but it doesn't make this experience any easier.  I had a sweet friend who got in touch with Andrew and got the months of our babies' birthdays.  She made me the sweetest bracelet with each one of their birthstones.  It is such a cherished gift.  

To get everyone caught up...

 I experienced the death of a very close loved one, my grandfather.  Papaw Hill was a wonderful grandfather and was there for us anytime we needed him.  His death was some what of a shock but wasn't unexpected.  His doctors have been telling us for over a year that they were not sure how much longer he would make it.  However, he made it to his 80th birthday and experienced another year of life with us here on earth.  He was very open about his salvation and would tell you he wanted you to be in Heaven with him.  I loved him dearly and can't wait to see him again.
Some of my favorite memories of him were taking my sisters and I to Johnie's Drive In for dough burgers and milkshakes.  This was our Friday night date night until I started high school.  He even took us on trips to see my aunt in Birmingham and we experienced him getting a couple of speeding tickets as well.   When we were younger, he loved to get out his train set for us to play with.   He was the type of man who always had to have his shirt pressed and his hair had to be just right.  (Now I know were Carlie gets it from.)   I even asked Andrew his favorite memory, which is us all sitting around his table at either Thanksgiving or Christmas playing Uno.  Papaw couldn't say Uno right, which it came out something like Youknow.
This whole week had me in an emotional state and ready to get home to my mom.  This has also got me thinking about Andrew and myself and where we are in the whole baby situation.  We haven't been back since December and are still waiting for his new insurance to take affect.  I have cried a lot because I know I didn't give him an earthy great grandchild to love, but to know that my two babies are getting to know him like I have makes it a lot easier.  I still want to be a mother and Andrew still wants to be a dad.  We are looking at different options for us and are beginning to consider adoption.  I know this is a long journey to endure but so has been the journey for us to have one of our own.  I love loving on my babies that I keep and honestly do love each of them like my own.  Their sweet smiles, kisses, and hugs have helped me so much over the last year.  We are looking into some adoption agencies but that's about as far as we have gone.  Andrew's working a lot, and we are enjoying the time just us. 

So where are we now?

Andrew and I had a great Christmas and New Years.  It was Andrew's first New Year's that he has been off since we were married almost seven years ago.  2014 had a lot of heart aches for us and 2015 hasn't really started off that great either.   On December 30,  I had a test ran.  I left the appointment thinking everything was great and I didn't have anything to worry about.  Well three days later,  I received a phone call from my dr's nurse.  He looked at the results and discovered that I have scar tissue that has formed from the D&C I had last May which was more than likely the reason that I miscarried the last baby.  This was definitely something that I didn't want to hear.  I'm sick of having surgeries, having blood drawn every time I walk into a dr's office, and being looked at by everyone in the clinic at some point.  This struggle for me has been the most depressing thing ever.  It hasn't become any easier to see teen moms.  We let our satellite TV go which made me happy.  I will not put myself through the torturer of watching those stupid reality shows that I have in the past.  It's not worth me crying over.

For Andrew, he feels as though we can't get ahead in anything at the moment.  After two job loses in two months,  he has had a tremendous amount of stress on him. Adding the medical bills that are beginning to pile up due to Fertility appointments aren't helping either of us.

We have tons of questions at are going unanswered and trying to do the right thing.  I know God has a plan.  I will have to admit that I can see now why we didn't have the first baby.  We have enough stress as it is without having to add a newborn.  We walked into church last Sunday with our heads hanging low because of the hand we have been dealt over the last few moments.  We were greeted by the children's pastor's wife and was asked how the whole Fertility process was going.  I told her and began to tear up.  She immediately prayed over us and we both just cried the whole time.  It was an amazing experience to have someone that I barely know pray such a sweet prayer over my womb and the future family that we so desperately want to have.  She knows exactly what we are going through and has been praying for us since the moment we met.  Life's tough but having someone walk beside you and you know is praying for you makes the struggle just a little bit easier. 

SEC Championship Game

On Sat. December 6, we went to the SEC Championship Game in Georgia! We had a great time going to the Fan Party and watched the Alabama pep really.  I even got my face painted.  It was a really fun experience that I hope we can do again in the future.  This game was a lot of firsts for us.  It was Andrew's, Cathy's, and Mike's first Bama vs. SEC Team.  2) SEC Championship game 3) First Game in a Dome